Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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