If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
