addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Randomize
