It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
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