I was born with a shot glass in my hand
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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