I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
