i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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