R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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