so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
