First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
