Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
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you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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