my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
