if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
