just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
