my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
We're not piercing ourselves today.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
