Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
