You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
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It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
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I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
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