you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
