Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
