Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
