I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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