That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
