For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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