jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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