We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
