That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
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I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
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casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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