Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
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