I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
