I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
false alarm, still single
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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