Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Who put my cat in the fridge?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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