sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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