upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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