you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
