I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
