he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
it's like heaven, but drunker
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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