She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
