this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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