The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
