awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
