The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
