didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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