Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize
