I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
oh god was she eating orange peels again
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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