I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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