Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
