Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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