I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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