I hate your face
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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