how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
