Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
