This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
