they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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