i don't like sucking hair
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
