Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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