my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
