there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
